Welcome to your latest installment of Pro-Tips! This issue, renowned falconer and cheetah jockey, Wayne Diamante, answers his readers’ questions regarding the finer points of animal husbandry. Do you have a question you’d like answered? Of course! We all do! Except for Wayne, because he already has the answers. That’s why he has a popular advice column and you have a bottle of Hawkeye gin, a tear-stained mattress and a long list of regrets, all fermenting under the listless gaze of the bare bulb you call your only friend and confidant. Wayne is here to change all that. Let him know what’s up at firstname.lastname@example.org.
My girlfriend and I are considering getting a pet, but we can’t decide on what. Any information, or advice you can provide would really help us out.
Randy and Tina
Dear Randy and Tina,
Pet ownership can be very rewarding for both animals and humans, but mostly humans. To help you whittle down your decision please take the following under advisement:
There are two kinds of pets: cats and dogs. Your friends, or the people at the pet store, flea market, etc., may try to convince you a gerbil, or a snake, or some other bullshit is a great idea, but don’t be fooled: Those are not pets. They are annoying money-pits just hanging around, nickel and diming you to death until they have the decency to shuffle off this mortal coil. Trust me, my wife has a turtle.
Here’s the deal: If you are a forever-alone type, silently knitting tissues in the comfort of your ancient newspaper fortress of filth and human misery, then cats are what you’re after. Dozens upon dozens of cats. You don’t have to walk them and they can pretty much fend for themselves; scraping by on the sustenance of your meager, last shreds of dignity. I bet you could get 100 cats in a medium-sized apartment, no problem.
First, ever wonder why there are no crazy dog ladies? Exactly. It’s not even humanly possible. Eskimos aside—they are a special case—even if someone tried to hoard 25 dogs in an apartment it would last about two minutes. They’d tear everything, including you and themselves, to shreds and then they’d bust out the door and head off on an incredible journey. Second, there’s a reason they’re called “man’s best friend.” Have you ever seen a cat protect its owner? Of course not! Cats want you dead to begin with! A cat would toy with you and then kill you on a whim if it had the chance. Then there is the mighty Dog, valiantly coming in between harm’s way and its master, or maybe it’s signaling to you Baby Jessica is indeed trapped in the well. Or maybe it’s out rescuing people from a collapsed building, or avalanche, or sniffing out cancer, or leading the blind, or helping a veteran overcome PTSD. More than likely though, he/she is bounding out of the forest, desperately wanting you to share in the singular, joyful exuberance of being covered in deer shit and some godforsaken animal’s carcass.
Hope this helps,
Objectively, what is the most disgusting animal out there? I’m looking for a real horror story, something totally and completely repulsive.
Excellent question, the answer will no doubt surprise you. Speaking empirically, koalas are the most dreadfully revolting animals ever created.
First of all, what are they and where do they come from? Are they descended from pigs, are they some freakish ursine cousin? Are they cats? None of the above.
Scientists are not entirely sure, but the prevailing wisdom says koalas are part of the mushroom family. How do they propagate you may ask? Charmingly, the males are serial rapists. Luckier still, for the fairer of the koala sexes, chlamydia is rampant in their populations. Seriously, type “koala” and “chlamydia” into your favorite image search engine and prepare to be astounded with the horrifying visage of crusty, puss-oozing koalas with butthole eyes. Don’t thank me yet!
The males are also deadbeat dads and have no role in raising their “joeys,” whatever that means. Koalas have a complex, alpha male sort of social hierarchy where only the dominant male is allowed to rape his way through a loose collection of terrified females. And, just when you thought it couldn’t get any more Jerry Springer-like—secretly, transient males sire 50 percent of the offspring for any given group. Yep. Female koalas have a thing for hobos. No offense to hobos, or hobosexuals.
Had enough? Not by a long shot! For some reason, Koalas only eat the toxic leaves of the eucalypt genera which, not surprisingly, results in an extremely poor diet. Turns out, poison leaves are low in nutrients. Who knew? Due to this excellent survival strategy, the only way their babies can digest the poison vegetation they’re doomed to eat for a lifetime is to literally eat their parents’ feces. I promise I am not making this up, except for the mushroom part.
And for the icing on the cake, the males are blessed with stink patches on their chests, which they rub all over everything in sight. Later on, they have stink-offs, with the stinkiest one claiming victory. Why? Who gives a shit, it’s disgusting.