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ANNOUNCER: Home stereo equipment expert and noted celebrity juice-machine huckster Wayne Diamante is once again at your service in this edition of PRO-TIPS, starring Wayne Diamante!
WAYNE: Thank you! Thank you so much. Thank you. It means a lot to me, really, to be able to be here this month. Thank you for the questions, readers; in so many ways, it’s all of you who have touched me, sometimes without warning and against my will. HAhahA HH aha … I’m kidding. Seriously though, I couldn’t do this without my team. Especially you, Linda from wardrobe, Chastity from craft services and Shane, my barber. You guys are titty city. I mean that. I’d also like to thank….
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WAYNE: wait, wha..No! Wait! If you have a question you’d like answered send it to email@example.com!
What’s up with magnets?
Thanks for your question. Right off the bat, let me say magnets are fucking, way-cool. I’ve been into magnets ever since I met a powerful wizard in the chips aisle at Hy-Vee and he gave me the low-down. All of the magnets we have on Earth today are leftover space-turd fragments from when the mothership that brought us here in the movie Prometheus had to empty its turd pile. Presumably, so they would be light enough to escape the atmosphere of that terrible fucking movie. Fuck Ridley Scott for making that movie. I watched it twice in a row, just to make sure I was as justifiably pissed as I imagined myself to be. Have you seen that piece of shit? It’s like he took some aspect of all the movies he’s ever made and rolled one giant, dog turd doobie and sparked it up. I was really looking forward to it and it turned out to be a YouTube book report on the meaning of symbology, written by one of the dumb kids from your high school. Hey, you know what, Grover? So maybe you loved Prometheus. Maybe you thought it was SO0O0oo cool. Guess what? Screw you.
Magnets probably have something to do with electrons,
Objectively speaking, what is the best possible combination of pizza toppings?
Some things just go together, like Canadian bacon and sauerkraut, sausage and mushrooms, or as in your case—and I’m going to hazard a guess here—LSD and sideburns.
Pepperoni and green olive,
I’ve had a number of challenges lately which have led to much introspection and wonderment at what, exactly, the meaning of life might be. I know that’s a big question, but anything will help.
For centuries philosophers have relied on two powerful tools at their disposal for tackling the really big questions. One of these tools tells us the goal; the other is a guide as to how to achieve it. The A) “guide” may be familiar to you as Ockham’s Razor, which more, or less, instructs us to eschew the overly complicated in favor of simplicity: essentially the K.I.S.S. rule—keep it simple, stupid. The second, possibly less familiar maxim B) is Conan’s Sword, which states the highest achievable goal in life is “to crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women.” So, in a nutshell, shoot for B in light of A and you’ll be golden. Good luck.
Crom count the dead,