Pro Tips: Wayne is risen

Pro Tips
“A chill wind blows through the room extinguishing the candles, save one. The supermodels totally nip-out.”

Candles illuminate an intimate setting. Wayne, turban bedecked and bejeweled, sits at the head of a small, mid-century modern kitchenette table surrounded by powerful businessmen and Croatian supermodels. They hold hands and quietly chant “Cadbury, Cadbury, Cadbury … ” Wayne reads ancient incantations in languages lost to all but the most esoteric necromancers.

A chill wind blows through the room extinguishing the candles, save one. The supermodels totally nip-out. As do the businessmen. Wayne does not notice the awkward situation because, as they say in the séance industry, he is “laying deep in the cut.” Suddenly, the faint smell of frankincense, porridge and hot dog-water fills the room, thunder peals and Wayne, enthralled by the spirit, leaps to his feet and shouts:

“Have you heard the good news? “


“I’ll be here all week!”

*tepid clapping*

“Seriously though, it’s me, Jesus. I am raised. Any questions? If so, send them to

Dear Wayne,

If the personal computer had never been invented, what would we all be doing now?

Dear Reece,

Working, for starters. Probably some plowing and sowing. Reaping also, if you’re lucky. And, of course, perusing “Curves,” the finest magazine of agrarian porno. Which, really, is just a collection of topographic maps that look like boobs, sort of. But mostly we’d be working.

Dear Wayne,

I’m totally head “over” heels for my new boyfriend! It’s been two weeks and things are getting “pretty” serious. What can I do, “or” say to make him fall in love with me and seal the deal?

Dear Tanya,

The power of love is a curious thing. It can make one man weep, or another man sing. It can change a hawk into a dove. Yes, Tanya, that is the power of love. Sadly, there is no tried and true method for making a person fall in love against their will. The best advice I can offer is this: The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest. Tell him you will kill him and eat his heart if he doesn’t propose, or put-out or whatever it is you’re after.

Dear Wayne,

Is it possible to get ringworm on your ding dong?

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Dear Jeff,

Yes. Especially if you fool around with Ho-Ho’s.

Dear Wayne,

Every time I take pictures of my family it looks like an Iraqi abduction video. Are there any tips, or tricks you can offer to improve my photography?

Dear Sheryl,

Try removing their hoods and nipple clamps. If they complain, waterboard them with a 50-50 solution of butterscotch schnapps and Febreze. That ought to get their attention.