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Pro Tips: Try to Remember the Reason for the Season: HOBBITS


Wayne Diamante, accurate marksman and distinguished recipient of his third-grade class’ Clean Hands and Face award draws his rifle and takes aim at questions tougher than your mom’s turkey in this Holiday No-Man’s Land edition of PRO-TIPS with Wayne Diamante. Maybe you’re trying to litigate your way out of insurance fraud, or perhaps you were exposed to asbestos while in the Navy, or shipping industry? Were you injured in a Hoveround roll-over, or need to have a skin graft removed? If you do, Wayne is in your corner!  If you have questions you’d like answered, or are badly in need of advice from a stranger, Wayne Diamante is here to help, probably. Send your troubles to Wayne at askwaynediamante@gmail.com and he’ll shake the tree until something falls out.

 

A personal appeal from Wayne:

Dear readers, welcome to the Holiday No-Man’s Land edition of PRO-TIPS. We find ourselves again in the interim period between Thanksgiving and Christmas, a time fraught with emotional breakdowns, having too much to drink and saying things we don’t mean to say out loud to our loved ones, drinking eggnog, throwing up eggnog, getting fatter and fatter, and waiting for it all to culminate in the Christian two-day sprint of paying holiday visits to relatives and other general shitassery. This year, as the tension around the holidays thickens to a fine gravy, try to remember the reason for the season: Hobbits. Exactly. Around this time of year, in ancient times, they celebrated a wise and powerful shaman who sent his ruddy, stub of a friend on a fool’s errand. Some shit happens, but then some deeper shit happens. Around the middle some shit gets like, significant. In the end everyone learns the true meaning of Christams. That’s right, “Christams,” thusly which is whence we derive our modern-day word for the holiday, wait for it, Christmas. But don’t take my word for it, it’s science, look it up. OK, after having to comment extemporaneously on the origin of Christmas, I’m running out of word space so we’re moving to PRO-TIPS: LIGHTNING ROUND!

 

Dear Wayne,

I feel like my wife becomes verbally abusive around the holidays, is there a way I can get her to stop? 

Sincerely,

Clark

 

Clark,

This week my wife has called me Ass Dust, Turd Pump, and Buttfuck. You should quit being a pussy.

-Wayne

 

Dear Wayne,

I’m going to a white elephant party and I need a gift that will really be a sensation, any ideas? 

TIA,

Shirley

 

Shirley,

You should bring a fancy butt plug. People recognize quality when they see it.

-Wayne

 

Dear Wayne,

Each year, at this time of fellowship, I try to broaden my family’s cultural horizons to include other Christian traditions. Do you have a suggestion for this year? 

In Communion,

Mark

 

Mark,

Arabian Santa. He wears a red and white keffiyeh and shooting glasses.  He drives an dune buggy across the stars, delivering gifts to good boys and girls but mostly boys. Also women are not allowed to drive. Arabian Santa!

-Wayne


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