Welcome to the first anniversary edition of Pro-Tips! It’s been a wild year, hasn’t it? I feel like I’ve probably had a pretty big impact in the lives of my readers and I’d like to take the opportunity to thank all of you for taking the time to better yourselves by reading what I have to say about you. You are, as they say in English, welcome. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since I’ve changed the lives of almost more than a dozen Iowa Citians. Some, as you doubtless will be glad to know, for the better. Remember Stanislaw and whatever his traffic problem was? How about the dump fire? Damn. Right? Anyway, it’s been a hoot. So, if you find yourself in a pickle just email me at askwaynediamante@gmail.com and I will do my level best to tell you what your problem is.
Dear Wayne,
Surreptitiously, I like to smell other peoples’ hair in public. Is that weird?
Marty
Dear Marty,
Jesus … YES, MARTY. IT’S FUCKING WEIRD. Duh. However, and with great trepidation I might add, I did some extremely light research into smell fetishes. I came across (surprising quickly, alarmingly so, actually) something called “fart slavery.”
Yup.
Fart Slavery.
There’s not too much to leave to the BDSM imagination here, so I’ll only note, as Twain said (loosely), history may not repeat but it rhymes a lot. Thus, we ought to expect fart slaves to be emancipated eventually by, you guessed it, Abraham Stinkin!
BOOM–HEADSHOT! (2x bonus)
I’m not sure if anyone else here envisions a PBS Frontline special about fart slavery in America, but I kind of do. Nicholas Kristof could do the interviews. 0O0ooh, or maybe Ken Burns! OK, let’s wrap this up. Marty, non-consensual hair smelling: really? It’s weird and sooner, or later, it’s bound to get you into some hot water. Just head over to Procter and Gamble on the days when they’re brewing up Herbal Essences and smell away. Good luck with … every … thing.
Wayne
Dear Wayne,
My wife and I have a young child. We have noticed there is a certain type of elderly woman who will passive-aggressively comment on parenting skills in public and out of the blue. For instance, I was in a shop recently and my year old and I were looking at some products and this old lady (who worked there) passed by and said “My Goodness, what a cute little baby! You should be wearing warmer clothes today!” This is SUPER irritating and we’re wondering how to handle it. Any pro-tips?
Thanks,
Marshall and Toni
Dear Marshall and Toni,
Thanks for your question, it’s nice to see families tuning into Pro-Tips. It’s been my experience that there are some people who just can’t keep their fucking trap shut. They dole out advice like folks are clawing over one another to give a shit. Look, obviously you have to choose your battles, but nobody wants to hear that. Next time it happens just roll your eyes and give them the finger. Then tell them they look like a fatso. If you can, fart at them. If that seems weird I promise it’s not. In fact, it’s the least weird thing you can do with a fart. See ^.
Good Luck,
Wayne
