Dear Kiki,
Hi, I was looking for a little advice on a situation: I’ve been working in Cedar Rapids for a year now and am actually transferring jobs and recently got a job offer for a small construction company with about four people. Come to find out one of these four people is actually my girlfriend’s ex, and I’d be working side by side with him everyday. So my question is, should I look for different opportunities for the sake of me and my girlfriend? Do you think it would make things uncomfortable for us that every time I talk about work it would more or less remind her of him as well?
Thank you!
Building a Future
Dear Building,
That’s a tricky position to be in! Kudos to you for your concern over your girlfriend’s feelings. She may indeed prefer not to be reminded of her past. However, choosing a job isn’t a decision that can hinge on one person’s perspective, especially if that person isn’t you. Construction is generally a secure career, but it doesn’t make the 2024 lists of fastest growing or most in-demand jobs in the U.S. And we’re pretty firmly in an employers’ market.
As such, if this is a good opportunity for you, Building, it’s important not to let it slip through your fingers based on speculation.
Luckily, there’s an incredibly easy way to find the answers to your questions about the possible effects of this job on your relationship: Ask your girlfriend.
Everyone’s boundaries are different, and everyone’s past relationships are different. If she’s on good terms with her ex, it might be a non-issue. If their split was, well, less than amicable, then it’s entirely possible that negativity could bleed over into your interactions. She may be completely tolerant of mentions of him. She may be worried that you’ll pick up bad habits of his or that he’ll speak negatively of her to you. She might get jealous that you have a friendly rapport with him that she doesn’t.
There are as many possible outcomes as there are people: Without knowing more about both her and her ex, there’s no way to make a solid guess at the result. Honestly, she might not even be able to confidently predict her reaction to a new situation herself. But if you can’t talk directly with her about it, then your story is not likely to end well, no matter which job you take.
Avoiding conflict is the fastest path to confusion, miscommunication and, eventually, growing apart. The way to grow closer, to protect and improve your relationship, is to talk about it at every step of the way. It’s just as likely that your girlfriend would harbor resentment over you skipping an opportunity that could better both your lives as that she would get annoyed by frequent reminders of her ex. Only she can tell you.
xoxo, Kiki
Questions about love, sex or relationships can be submitted to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com, or anonymously using this form. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
This article was originally published in Little Village’s July 2024 issue.
