Dear Kiki,
What should I do about my extreme and debilitating fear of abandonment?
Indubitably Debilitated
Dear Debilitated,
Therapy.
And if that doesn’t work, try a different kind of therapy. And if that doesn’t work, try a different therapist. There are ways to work past this fear, but they’ll be unique and specific to you. Your best bet is to have a professional walk this path with you.
In the meantime, be honest with those close to you, so they can support you while you fight against this tendency. The worst thing about the fear of abandonment is that it tends to be self-fulfilling: the more afraid you are, the more likely you are to push people away, causing the very loneliness you hope to avoid. Radical honesty that helps people understand you better can help buffer against that.
You’ll still need to do the work, but we all have deep-seated anxieties that challenge our relationships. Being direct is the best way to give people the opportunity to have your back.
xoxo, Kiki
Questions about love, sex or relationships can be submitted to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com, or anonymously using this form. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
This article was originally published in Little Village’s July 2024 issue.
