My partner doesn’t want to get married (like at all, ever, in general), but I like the idea of it. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, but it does make me a little sad to think of not marrying the love of my life. What should I do for closure? Like, is there a way we could celebrate our relationship without getting married that would still feel meaningful?
—Spurious Spinster
Yes, yes, yes! I love this topic, because ultimately, anything goes, so long as you are staying in honest communication with one another. There are near infinite ways of honoring and celebrating your love and commitment that don’t include the legal formalities of civil marriage.
First, though, you do need to determine that you and your sweetie are not in conflict. That is, Spurious, you need to make absolutely certain that what you want out of “marriage” is different from what they’re avoiding about marriage.
There are, of course, plenty of reasons to eschew marriage. The financial implications alone can be terrifying, if one of you has been assiduously frugal all their life and the other has embraced the infinite possibilities of consumer credit. Also, a lack of marriage equality has long been a barrier: For decades, there were hetero couples who delayed because their queer friends weren’t allowed that same right. And there are still hurdles, such as the penalty that slashes benefits for folks on Supplemental Security Income (SSI) who choose to get married. That undoubtedly causes many abled allies to think twice about participating in the institution.
Best case scenario, your partner is opposed only to legality and what you enjoy is a nice ceremony. Congrats! You can throw a big party with no formal recognition, and all is good.
However, Spurious Spinster, you must consider the possibility that your partner is not simply ethically opposed to the cis-het-abled formality that legally binds you to each other and implicitly validates centuries of tradition framing womb-bearers as bargaining chips in the survival of the species. Perhaps they dislike, say, making a formal declaration of everlasting love. Or maybe they don’t want to be the center of attention for any fancy event, no matter the situation or reason.
If the main draw for you is locking in that public promise or experiencing the celebratory to-do, then you may be at an impasse. You need to have that thorough heart-to-heart before you move forward. But again, Spurious Spinster: YES! Assuming your wishes and fears complement each other, there are many, many options.
Ceremonies can of course be held without legality. One of the most beautiful weddings I attended was a married couple pledging themselves to their polyfidelitous third. There was nothing legally binding there, unfortunately; we’re a long way from recognizing thruples in the U.S. But the formality was beautiful and the celebration was full of joy.
If your partner is the timid type, then there are simpler, more personal ways to seal your love. Matching tattoos are an intimate gesture, especially if they’re small and not publicly visible. Acknowledging an anniversary — of your first date, or the day you met, or any other significant highlight of your time together — can give you something to hold onto as well, even if you only ever celebrate with a dinner for two. And you can always wear matching rings or some other piece of significant jewelry that represents your commitment to each other.
So what about “common law” marriage? Does your sweetie run the risk of being unwillingly entangled, just by agreeing to atypically celebrate your love? Iowa is one of only eight states that allows for statutory common law marriage.
No need to fear! According to Iowa Legal Aid, the burden of proof for common law marriage is stricter than most folks assume, and a key component is that both parties need to consider themselves married. If your partner doesn’t think of it that way, then it doesn’t qualify. It would seem the law concurs with Rivers Cuomo’s realization on the catchy, cringy classic Weezer tune “Pink Triangle”: “We were good as married in my mind / But married in my mind’s no good.”
It is good for you, though, Spurious Spinster. You don’t need the law on your side to pledge your undying devotion. You just need mutual respect, frank conversations and a willingness to remain flexible — the ingredients for any healthy relationship.
xoxo, Kiki
Submit questions anonymously at littlevillagemag.com/dearkiki or non-anonymously to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online at littlevillagemag.com.
This article was originally published in Little Village’s February 2026 issue.
