Dear Kiki,
I had a friend repost a story of someone saying that getting a coffee as a first date is low effort. That it is lazy for a person to choose a java hang as the icebreaker. I disagree. It’s affordable and allows you to converse to actually get to know someone. Plus I kinda hate spending hundreds of dollars for multiple first dates to either not be interested in the person or vice versa. What’s your take?
Looking for (a) Fair Trade
Dear Fair Trade,
Ah yes, the age-old dilemma! What is a date? A java hang by any other name would taste as bitter. Or sweet, I guess, if that’s your thing. Actually, I suppose the way that someone takes their coffee is a useful bit of insight into their personality. But I digress.
Here’s where Kiki stands on this: An icebreaker is not a date.
To me, the term “first date” is reserved for an event that occurs after you already know you’re interested in someone, and you suspect it’s mutual. The “getting to know you” phase is no different for a romantic interest than for someone you’re feeling out as a new friend — and coffee can be a great choice for that. And, yes, if romance blooms, you might end up looking back on a java hang as a “first date,” years from now, if it was actually the first time you ever went out alone together. That’s your call.
But, Fair Trade, if you’ve already caught feels for someone and you’re hoping to win their affections, then that ain’t it, boo. When you like a person, the decent thing to do (and the thing in your cough best interests) is to make the evening about them. Or, at the very least, do something truly meaningful to you that offers insight into who you are. The idea of having a go-to standard boilerplate first date is an insult to the whole concept of dating.
It’s not the coffee that’s to blame, either. If you were obscenely wealthy and made a habit of taking every potential partner out for lobster and the opera, that would be just as lazy, Fair Trade.
Which brings me to the elephant in the room.
You seem to be equating “low effort” with “low cost,” and vice versa. That could not be further from the truth. A walk in the park on a beautiful day is both cheaper and more romantic than coffee. So is exploring an art museum. Or attending a political protest. Or playing basketball. Or going fishing. Or or or or or or or!
The reason a coffee date is seen as low effort isn’t because it’s cheap. It’s because it’s too often used as a way to avoid actually being creative and thoughtful. And heck, if you’re a genuine coffee connoisseur and you want to take a date to your favorite hole-in-the-wall three counties over that you’re sure they’ve never been to, then frankly that’s fine: it’s personal, at least. Just don’t kid yourself that a basic pour-over from around the corner is the drip you need to get a second date.
xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village’s September 2025 issue.
