Dear Kiki,

How would you approach a new couple about swinging?

Dear Seeking Swingers,

The first and most important answer to your question is: together! Don’t succumb to the temptation to divide and conquer. Get to know them individually, sure, but no floating the issue to one or the other of them separately to “feel them out” or similar.

The reason is, doing that could put them in an uncomfortable position in their own relationship. It might hinder open communication or trigger a power differential that you want no part of. Curiosity could be misread as intent if you leave it to one party to bring it up to the other. It’s unfair.

Broach the subject at a time when all of you are together and, ideally, when all of you are relatively sober. That way, all meanings and responses are clear. Then leave it alone. Don’t expect an immediate answer, and be wary of signs of uneven interest or potential coercion. Unless they respond with shared, relieved laughter and a comment along the lines of, “We were wondering the same thing!” then you’ll want to give them a chance to talk about it together, out of earshot.

Also important is talking with your partner each and every time about what to do in case of rejection. If you’re close friends with the other couple, will you want to remain so? How will you compromise if one of you wants to maintain the friendship but the other can no longer look them in the eye? What are your plans if there are sparks between one pairing but not the other? Are you open to polyamory instead of swinging, if the other couple is as well?

I say to be sure to discuss this every time, because every potential play couple is different. Maybe you plan to approach strangers in the bar, but realize that even though you never met, you see one of them at the gym every Tuesday. Or you’re all friends, but your partner places more value on the friendship than you knew.

Communication, as always, is key!  

Submit questions anonymously at littlevillagemag.com/dearkiki or non-anonymously to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online at littlevillagemag.com.

This article was originally published in Little Village’s November 2025 issue.