For those of you familiar with my work, it will come as no surprise that I grant a lot of interviews. Fortnightly, without fail, I am asked by some young newshound to recount my meteoric rise to the crest of the advice columnist pantheon. The answer is neither straightforward, nor suitable for print, but I will intimate to you the following salient details: a secret island, an audio tape from John F. Kennedy describing a sexual position called the “Apollo Moon Lander” and a Ann Landers totem.
My name is Wayne Diamante. These are your Pro Tips.
Dear Wayne,
I’m thinking about taking the “plunge” and starting my very own business! I’ve been selling my handmade tissues on Etsy for a while now, and I think I’m ready for a “brick and mortar” operation. Do you have any tips on being a savvy business owner?
— Noreen
Dear Noreen,
The key attribute of any successful business entrepreneur is the ability to target a need not being met and then capitalize on that weakness. Let me give you an example from my life. In the 1980s “sweat” items were all the rage: headbands, wristbands, sweatshirts, sweat-socks, sweatpants, sweat-everything! Despite the versatility of sweat-wear, sometimes it wasn’t the right setting for sweatpants, but it wasn’t the right time for a sweatshirt either. Enter: Diamante-brand sweat-underpants.
These bulky, yet accommodating unisex vestments provided all the benefits of other sweat-oriented clothing, but with a swimsuit-area focus. Did I make any money? No. Not a single person ever purchased a pair of sweat-underpants. My problem, clearly, was not lack of vision. The real issue was my inability to monetize the sweat-underpants market. Sure, it would be easy to stick myself out there and give you advice if sweat-underpants were a great success story, but they weren’t. They were the American Dream deferred; unrealized, a goose egg.
But that’s only part of the story, because the American Dream is the story of the hero archetype: the comeback, the mighty phoenix rising from the ashes. A little luck combined with shrewd business acumen has landed yours truly in the enviable position of providing the 2018 North Korean FIFA World Cup team with their uniforms. Say “annyeonghaseyo” to a whole new breed of fashionable athletes who will be perfectly comfortable part of the time, provided low humidity/chafing.
My advice to you, Noreen, is to go for it. If it doesn’t turn out how you imagined, try selling that shit in North Korea. There is almost nothing to buy there except rice substitute and now a comically large surplus of sweat-underpants.
— Wayne
Dear Wayne,
I feel like a lot of important news slips through the cracks. Are there any human-interest stories, or current events you think aren’t getting enough attention in the national media?
— Dirk
Dirk,
Yes. The U.S. government is going bankrupt in short order. Obamacare is secretly a way to provide low-quality healthcare to the aging Boomer population so they’ll die faster, simultaneously padding the risk pool with fresh meat. There are simply too many aging, leisure-class white-hairs and not enough workers to keep social security solvent. Conjointly, the FDA and the EPA are using Clean Water Act legislation as a cover story for allowing massive quantities of fertility hormones and boner drugs into the water supply. Doesn’t it seem like there are a lot of people with twins these days? That’s right, the Fed is getting out of the business of printing money to bolster the economy and into the business of making babies, because tax revenue isn’t revenue without someone to pay it. This information is widely available on NPR.
— Wayne
