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Wonkette: Time traveling Obama — A brief review


Obama unstuck in tiiiiiiiime!
President Barack Obama may be a Traveling Timelord! Or something… — photo by William Warby

WonketteListen: Barack Obama has come unstuck in time. The evidence has been building for quite a while, since at least 2009, when he was being blamed for the TARP bank bailout program passed under George W. Bush. As his term progressed, it became clear that Obama was also responsible for the collapse of the housing bubble in 2007-08 and the resulting Great Recession, as well as for the military debacles in Iraq and Afghanistan. During the 2012 campaign, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan blamed Obama for the closures of two different factories that were shuttered in 2008, before Barry’s inauguration. More recently, we have seen that his weak position on Russia’s 2008 occupation of two republics in Georgia, while largely indistinguishable from statements made by John McCain and George W. Bush, actually gave Vladimir Putin the go-ahead to invade Crimea years later. Ansd then, this morning, when Barry Bamz was announcing new sanctions against Russia, Yr Editrix heard him say “The Ukraine,” an antiquated phrasing that the President has used before. And as she took to the chatcave to call for Bamz to be INPEACHED, it all became clear to us: with all that time travelling, Barry just has trouble remembering when he is. We fully expect this discovery to win us both a Pulitzer and a Nobel in physics.

Let us just explain a little further. As Henry Luce’s Time Magazine explains, “The Ukraine” was proper usage only when it was a region within another country — once it gained its independence, the proper name for the country was simply “Ukraine.” Considering Obama’s varying usage, it only stands to reason that at certain moments, he has returned from a visit to the past, where he had adopted the old-fashioned usage so as not to stand out. Is this not the simplest explanation?

It also helps us make sense of other anomalies — for instance, his terrible performance in the first debate against Mitt Romney becomes far easier to understand if you assume he knew he would be reelected anyway. It also explains his “57 states” gaffe — clearly an embarrassing slip after returning from a trip to a future America where Northern Colorado, and perhaps The Californias, or several other secession movements have become realities. Also, we have every reason to think that in 2037, mom jeans will actually be quite fashionable.

Now, sure, you may listen to this video of his announcement this morning and say, “Yo, Trix, Obama does not say ‘the Ukraine’ in that clip once, and also my headline was funnier.” To this we can only repeat what she said to us: “Dok, I was watching it. HE SAID THE UKRAINE. I WATCHED HIM SAY IT.” And when challenged to provide a timestamp or GTFO, she explained, “I do not have time to watch it all again, DOK, BECAUSE I CANNOT TIME TRAVEL.”

We are not going to argue with this, and besides, the lack of evidence proves nothing, since it would be a simple matter for Timelord Obama to sneak back and eliminate any evidence of his earlier slip, thus making those who caught the gaffe doubt themselves, a trick straight out of the 2124 reprint of Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals. We rest our case.

By Doktor Zoom

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. Next week, he’ll live-tweet the Battle of Gettysburg and the 2067 World Series


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