Glenn Beck has a scoop that will completely blow your mind this time for sure, once he tells you, hey come back!


America, are you ready to be amazed and astonished, not to mention completely blown away, shocked, and possibly even vajazzled? Of course you are! And who knows, maybe this time Glenn Beck will actually deliver on his latest promise of a world-changing scoop. We’ve actually lost track of the times he’s played this little game, but the spectacle still has a certain queasy appeal, because he’s so good at acting like he really believes he’s got something this time. Just like he does every time.

So what is it this time, Glenny? A carrot, we bet. A carrot shaped like Woodrow Wilson’s peener, right?

Still, he’s clearly convinced, at the moment he says it, that this thing is YOOGE:

“It is already done,” Beck said, “and it is horrifying.”

“You won’t believe it when I tell you. You won’t believe it,” Beck continued. “You won’t believe it because it’s exactly that. It is ‘yep, your country is done; meet the new one.’ It’s amazing.”

Wow. At first we thought maybe it might have something to do with the shutdown, but that’s just too obvious. America is done, and has been replaced by something else… huh.

Oh! New Hot Pockets filling, we bet.

By Doktor Zoom