By Ben Holzhammer, Iowa City
Dear [HOUSING INSPECTOR ASSISTANT],
In response to your Notice for Corrective Action, I have trimmed the tree branch in accordance with the Vegetation Obstructing Public Ways section of the Iowa City Code. I would, however, like to register my astonishment that this perceived transgression required official measures and suggest that such a warning might be a slight overreaction. I would like to note that the section of the City Code in question doesn’t actually contain the phrase “8 FEET OF CLEARANCE” but simply states that trees, vegetation and plant materials must be trimmed to a sufficient height to allow free passage of pedestrian and vehicular travel. Although I hardly consider my hanging twig an impediment to pedestrian travel, I understand the purpose of these rules. It is a legitimate safety issue and I do take it very seriously. For example, if former Dallas Mavericks Center Shawn Bradley decided to take a stroll down Burlington Street wearing a large pair of Espadrilles he would be in serious danger of brushing his scalp on such treacherous flora.
Standing at a minuscule 6’1”, I take it for granted that my travels as a pedestrian are generally unhindered. I arrogantly walk around all day long without a worry in the world about the dangers of a stationary plant. Feasible foot travel should be considered nigh impossible if anyone is made anxious by a woody sprout suspended 10 inches over the height of a standard doorway. People must have thought Meriweather Lewis and William Clark were insane to attempt a journey to the Pacific without eight feet of guaranteed vertical clearance. I think you should also contemplate planing down all of the hills in town so as not to impose undue difficulty on pedestrians. Much like vegetation more than seven and a half feet off the ground, gently sloped terrain can unfairly burden the average citizen.
I would like you to know that your terrifyingly official letter caused me a great deal of discomfort. I had just settled down with a sleeve of Low-Sodium Ritz crackers and an ice-cold Capri Sun pouch when I discovered an envelope forwarded to me by my landlord. Inside were details of a civil infraction that I had unknowingly committed. Flabbergasted by this accusation, I jumped out of the bathtub, grabbed my tape measure and ran to the sidewalk to discover that I was indeed in violation of the city ordinance. Sadly, it was true that an unkempt tendril in my front yard was sagging to a menacing 7’ 7”. I contacted my landlord and, after a brief but emotional dispute, learned that upkeep of the property’s herbage was indeed my responsibility. Lacking professional lumberjack equipment, I trimmed the offending twig with a pair of toenail clippers. I even took off an extra five inches to prevent prosecution in the near future. Unsure of the standard procedure, I saved the twig in my refrigerator in a Ziploc sandwich bag labeled “Horticultural Malfeasance.” At first, I thought I might have to present it as evidence in upcoming court proceedings or possibly be forced to wear it around my neck as a mark of my shameful failure to respect community safety. The expensive defense attorney I hastily retained informed me that my fears were unfounded so I plan to let it cure in my garage for a few months then burn it for warmth.
For the record, I admire your devotion. While the nation battles a global epidemic you continue to faithfully perform your duties. We thank our health care workers, our first responders and our teachers, but too often we forget about the dedicated public servant who patrols the city thanklessly protecting us against criminally dangling foliage. You are truly our silent guardian — our dark knight. In addition, I must compliment you on your keen eye. Somehow you were able to distinguish a five-inch botanical maintenance discrepancy with near-perfect accuracy. I frequently walk down that stretch of sidewalk without noticing the hazard posed by a stray sprig. Meanwhile, an evergreen bough across the street droops to an obscene 5′ 6″. I can only assume you mobilized the National Guard for that one.
Though I suspect you may have been looking for a reason to issue a citation either out of boredom or perhaps to justify the existence of your position, I consider this petty affair to be satisfactorily concluded. The twig has been trimmed. The pedestrians have been protected. The insignificant municipal violation has been rectified in one fell snip.
Congratulations, rest assured that the city remains safe. You’ve done your job, either overzealously or without the enthusiasm to rise above ineffectiveness, it’s hard to tell based on this single incident.
Ben Holzhammer
PS. I have included a diagram that I made using my limited knowledge of Microsoft Paint as proof that the dangerous situation has been remedied.
