Hot Tin Roof: .341

Hot Tin Roof
Hot Tin Roof is a program to showcase current literary work produced in Iowa City. The series is organized and juried by representatives of three Iowa City-based cultural advocacy organizations: The Englert Theatre, Iowa City UNESCO City of Literature and Little Village magazine.

By Mackenzie Bean

@vodka_samm: Just went to jail #yolo

Yo-fucking-lo. Guess I can cross jail off my bucket list. That and taking 12 shots in an hour. Everything would’ve been fine if campus police had just minded their own damn business. Apparently I was trying to go down the wrong staircase at the stadium and a cop grabbed me. I saw my mug shot when I got out. In the picture, I’m slouched against the wall, my eyes half closed. A cop stands next to me holding up a sign with my information on it. Guess I wasn’t very compliant. Woops. All in all, I say I still looked pretty fucking good for being so gone.

@vodka_samm: Blew a .341 in jail

Once the news reporters hear my story, they take it and run. “Drunk Girl Blows .341.”  “World’s Drunkest College Student.” “Intoxicated Iowa Student Attempts to Run Onto Field.” Most of them look down on me. Talk about the dangers of binge drinking. Say that I could’ve died, slipped into a coma and just stopped breathing. “When You Read This Girl’s Arrest Story, You Won’t Believe She’s Alive.” They all need to calm to the fuck down. I know how to hold my liquor. What else do you think I’m learning at Iowa? I watch a clip of a group of guys discussing the story on a talk show. One guy said he was impressed I was able to even stand. The rest all laugh. Come on, buddy. Give me some credit. I’m always impressive.

@Vodka_samm: My mom had to get me out of jail and had to take a breathalizer [sic] #lmao 

My mom’s pissed. She was at Hyvee when she got the call. Drove the hour and a half up here with four bags of spoiling groceries in the trunk. After she bailed me out, we walked to the car in silence. She dropped me off at my apartment and told me she was disappointed. I’m a fucking legend in Iowa City now, though, so who cares? She’ll get over it.

@vodka_samm: I’m going to get .341 tattooed on me because it’s so epic

I should just tell my mom to Google my name. Maybe then she’ll understand. The first six pages are all about me. I guess someone made a shirt that says “Samm 3:41”. I’ve seen a few people around campus wearing it. People worship me; I’m basically a vodka-gulping god and campus police can go suck a dick.

@vodka_samm: Girl waiting for court with me goes “I wish I knew the girl who blew a .341” I said hi.

Everyone’s talking about me. I’m more popular than the bottles of Hawkeye freshman sneak into their dorms. The owner of Liquor Downtown called yesterday. Asked for Vodka Samm. He wants me to come down to the store and sign some autographs for his customers. Says he’ll make sure I’m compensated. All I know is I better get some fucking free alcohol from this guy; I’ve given him enough of my money in the past four years as it is.

@AdamWolf77: @Vodka_Samm doesn’t have to use birth control because nothing can live in that much alcohol.


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Why are people giving me so much shit? People I’ve never even talked to. People who don’t even know me. They have no right to look down on me, to treat me like the laughing stock of the school. Fuck all of them. Fuck everyone who stares at me on campus and whispers to their friends: That’s Vodka Samm.

@vodka_samm: I’ve gotten so many hate tweets because I was drunk…uh I get good grades sorry for being like every other college student.

This is fucking bullshit. I’m no different than any other college kid in this town. Every single student at Iowa has a little of their own Vodka Samm in them. Some just embrace it more than others. Regardless, if you go to Iowa, you’re expected to party. It’s just what we do. We go out, drink until we puke, pass out and then do it again the next night. It’s Iowa Fucking City.

@Noah_Goudie: If you are going to hate on someone and you don’t honestly know them then screw off, You have no right to judge them #FuckYOU

I deleted my twitter account. Noah still has his. He defended me for a while, said how I was a good sister and that all the blogs didn’t have the real story. Eventually he gave up, though. There were too many tweets to respond to. I can tell he looks at me differently now.

@Courtney_boss: This whole @Vodka_samm crap is sooo stupid I can’t handle it. Good luck getting a job after college. 

My professors hesitate before calling my name for attendance. They read off “Samantha Goudie” but all they’ll ever see when they look at me is Vodka Samm. Google “Samantha Goudie” and Vodka Samm pops up, the girl everyone wants to party with but no one wants to hire. My future is fucked. All because I drank a little too much for a stupid football game. A football game. What was I thinking? In high school I played in a powder puff football game, juniors against sophomores. It was five bucks to play and the money went to some program called Students Against Destructive Decisions. Kind of ironic now.

@Noah_Goudie: Be who you want to be

I don’t want to be Vodka Samm anymore. I want to be Samantha Goudie. A daughter. A sister. A student who’s going to graduate in May. But I can’t escape her. She’s in the group of girls huddled together in the Pedmall in their mini skirts and leather jackets trying to find a party. She’s in the boy puking in the corner of an empty parking garage. Most of all, I see her reflected in the eyes of people when they look at me. I don’t like looking in mirrors anymore.

Mackenzie Bean studies English and writing at the University of Iowa. A native of Illinois, she divides her time between Iowa City and the Chicago suburbs, reading and writing on both sides of the Mississippi.

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