Looking at the cover art for Dave Helmer’s Such a Clown, I’ll be honest — I was expecting some trite country rock at best and an Insane Clown Posse knock-off at worst. What I found instead as I listened through was myself writing a plot outline for Paddington 4: Paddington Goes to College. (Paddington 3: Paddington in Peru is in production and set to release in summer 2024.)
Across Such a Clown, Helmer, an Iowa City musician, displays the same lovable, wholesome quirkiness as London’s favorite bear. The 10 tracks immersed me in their world so wholly I couldn’t help but imagine a Paddington sequel.
In my Helmer-fueled plot, Paddington goes to college and joins a fraternity on the verge of being suspended for bad behavior. The frat has a raucous tailgating party where Paddington learns how to play beer pong to the tune of the punk-rockabilly track “Hey.” A little drunk, Paddington stumbles into the common room to find some of the brothers about to take LSD. They offer him some, and — because Paddington is a team player — he partakes.
At this point the psychedelic “Lemonade” and “Waiting in the Wings” play over a montage of Paddington’s trip. Picture Bono singing “I Am the Walrus” in Across the Universe but instead of ’60s porn ‘staches and a magical bus ride, it’s marmalade and flip cup.
The movie comes to a climax when the fraternity is presented with the option to either hold an appropriate charitable fundraiser to pay for damage they caused at a hotel or be disbanded. Paddington comes to the rescue and teaches the brothers how to make marmalade so they can have a bake sale.
Penultimate track “Make That Money” plays during a montage of the entire town coming to taste the delicious orange flavor and oranges ferociously flying around the kitchen as Paddington and the brothers work to keep up with the heartwarmingly unexpected high demand. Bonus points: a lyric in “Make That Money” is “you gotta make that money / you gotta find somebody / you gotta taste the honey.” I know Paddington prefers marmalade, but he is a bear.
I’d call Such a Clown 60 percent rock, four tablespoons Beat Happening, a dash of “Hotel California” and 100 percent music to inspire a screenplay. If you’re reading this and you have connections to the Paddington team, shoot me an email (heyimdanray@gmail.com) so we can get into pre-production for Paddington Goes to College.
This article was originally published in Little Village’s October 2023 issue.
