Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. Don’t let the rose petals scattered all over the bed fool you, you’re not interrupting anything. He just canceled on me. Apparently, “Saturdays are for the boys.” Will you help me blow out all these candles? I think I might have misunderstood the nature of this relationship.
Anywho, welcome to the sex issue of Little Village magazine. I’ll be honest, this has been my toughest column to date. Sometimes, it feels like I’ve already made every joke about sex I possibly can. Stand-up comedy shows, most of the time, are totally indistinguishable from the back row of a middle school sex ed class, especially since most of us get no more action than your average eighth-grader. I, myself, have a comedy routine dedicated to each and every one of my ex-boyfriends. I’m like Taylor Swift, except she documents the highs and lows of the passionate love affairs she has with hot famous dudes like John Mayer, and I recall the various humiliations I encounter during my alcohol-fueled hookups with aspiring screenwriters.
That said, with Valentine’s Day fast approaching, I find myself thinking about the less sordid side of the dating experience. You know, romance, like people on TV have. In that spirit, here are some Valentine’s Day date ideas for the rest of us.
Bundle up warmly, go to the pizza place of your choice, get a large to go and then eat it on the sidewalk in front of Basta or Baroncini’s, because your boyfriend forgot that it was Valentine’s Day until he woke up this morning, opened Instagram, saw his ex-girlfriend’s post about the super sweet breakfast in bed her new boyfriend made her, and realized it was way too late to get a dinner reservation anywhere good.
Don’t get your girlfriend roses. Just don’t do it. Nothing says, “I haven’t been paying attention to a single thing you’ve said” like buying a dozen long-stemmed roses for the woman you ostensibly love. Red roses are to flowers as French tip manicures are to fingernails; they’re an old standby in the worst possible way.
Break out the big guns. You know that grand romantic gesture you saw in a movie once and you thought it was kind of cute but upon further reflection realized that if you did that to a real-life being, they’d probably call the cops on you? Now’s the time to try it out. Even the most bitter, misanthropic love interest will be feeling the effects of Valentine’s Day FOMO and a sugar high from that box of cinnamon hearts they just housed, and think you’re completely adorable. You go, Lloyd Dobler.
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 278.