Hello, Iowa City, and welcome to the first rally of my campaign to become your next mayor. I suppose you’re all wondering why I’ve called you here today. Well, unfortunately, it’s not just for light conversation and fantastic snickerdoodles. Thank you, Celeste, for those. No, I’ve corralled you into this slightly damp church basement to discuss a serious issue plaguing our community: cars. I think we should do away with them.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Audrey, this is America. Our society is structured in such a way that the ability to drive a car is practically required for being an autonomous person. Learning to drive is a rite of passage, road trips an American pastime. If I stopped driving, my whole life would come to a standstill. Besides, how else am I supposed to get cases of seltzer home from the damn store?” I hear you. But think about everything we stand to gain: We could drastically reduce our carbon footprint, improve our collective cardiovascular health by engaging in more low-impact exercise and get closer to our neighbors on public transportation. There was this study in the New Yorker—
Question, Tony? “An ulterior motive”? What gives you that idea? Fine, fine. I can’t lie to you guys. The myriad negative impacts of unsafe driving have always been a problem for other people, but now they’re starting to affect me, hence the big red CRISIS sticker I put on all your e-vites.
You guys know that three-way stop outside the Iowa City Public Library, right? Yeah, well, I was crossing it the other day, and I made direct eye contact with the sweaty banker dude in the Camaro before he did the little nod that means he’s deigning to let you cross the street. So I do, and I’m almost across when I feel something suspiciously like the front bumper of a Camaro very lightly hitting my thigh. I look up, and there he is, looking at something on his iPad.
I see no solution other than to ban cars outright.
What do you mean, “an overreaction”? I could’ve died, you guys. What’s your solution? An anti-texting law? Those are completely ineffective. No, we don’t need to hear the “evidence,” I — We’re not taking any more questions at this time. In 2019, vote Audrey Brock for mayor: Never get bumped again!
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 263.