By Tim Weitzel, Iowa City
Rape.
It’s an evocative word. It’s routinely suppressed from daily discussion, but why? Who does society protect by not talking about men who violently attack victims with their penises, the victims conscious or not? Why is a charge of rape so routinely difficult be make, to prosecute? Why does our American society protect rapists? Money is surely a part, but there’s more to it than that. It calls our entire social and political system into question.
Rape is called sexual assault. Sexual assault sounds like a fight has happened. There were two people involved and who can really say whose to blame, who started it? Surely the weaker person, in the eyes of society, is at fault.
Invariably we say the woman started it. Rape is not about normal, healthy sexual relations that took a wrong turn. Rape is not an oopsie-daisy. A fumble in the sheets that went too far. Rape is fulfilling the desire by the perpetrator to project power and control over another human. It is not about love. It is violence and it’s owning someone by making them vulnerable and it’s intentional. It’s about taking their autonomy from them to temporarily fill a void that can’t ever be completely satisfied.
I was raped repeatedly by a chain of narcissistic males through my life from childhood through adolescence into early adulthood. After elementary school I was always drugged and the confusion from that, the inability to believe what happened had actually happened, and the deep need to be accepted and liked kept me from connecting the dots. I never did the math. Surely the adults would intervene? It was only during the righteous uprising of #MeToo that I let myself begin to process the reality of being the victim of multiple serial rapists, long long after the last incident in the 1980s.
I remain confused at how the repeated events never rose to the level of action by people who should have known better to make claims against the perpetrators. Not the friends’ parents, not the resident assistants or student peers at residence halls, campus police, or faculty at my field school in 1987 or even when a past county prosecutor revealed they were aware of at least one incident that occurred in a local apartment also in 1987, but was pressing me to find a criminal action on my part. It was genuinely not a supportive environment even though the statute of limitations of any crime had passed. She even contrived to have my visit printed in the local paper. This coincided with an important bond vote for county jail facilities.
I’m sure the several male perpetrators, all known acquaintances or fellow students at the field school, who were leading respectable public lives at the time, didn’t and likely still don’t, see others as their equals. Their conquests of their victims are their self-evident proof that they are powerful. They likely continue to weigh down the good in society. These people are close to drowning us all no matter what good they’ve done.
The actions of rapists should be obvious, but they are cagey and get a kick at not getting caught. Also, the same desire for certain males to dominate that leads them to rape also has the same men controlling everyone around them, either through inclusive bonding or through threats of violence. “Love me or feel my wrath. Submit or I’ll punish you. Great, we’re pals, do this for me!” Rapists build themselves up by taking autonomy from others.
People in my hometown and my college town and my friend’s college town were so adverse to considering gay sex as normal that they were blind to gay sexual drugged abuse even being possible, even among early teens. If anything, people think it’s the victim who should have said no, not the rapist. The man is The Man, the victim the Jezebel. The victim is guilty of submitting no matter how the rape happened or how many men took part. “Did you fight back? Did you have anything to drink? Were you there by yourself? Did you like it in any way?”
Men raping women is still a mental block that our society stumbles over. We still can’t seem to get past white male cis dominance and this shelters abuse on every level by anyone in our society. We’ve all internalized the hate. Everyone seems to want to be The Man, to be in charge and calling the shots in their lives. We don’t believe victims. We concoct fantastical explanations that are beyond credible belief that somehow comfort our mental discord that is genuine but still is telling us we all are victims of this version of society.
Adult couples should feel free to consent and engage in amorous activities however they choose. Consent is everything. Society should not judge or set up laws that violate natural law and freedom to pursue happiness among consenting adults.
But, it’s time for the course of justice to start bending toward the truth. Perhaps the greatest gift of end-stage capitalism is the rise of humanism and people-centric policy. We should believe victims right away. Support someone who needs your help. Please give evidence when you have it. And vote for candidates who support policy for victims and not rapists.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual abuse, support is available 24/7 at the National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-4673, and online at RAINN.org. DVIP/RVAP also provides domestic violence and sexual assault crisis services in southeast Iowa. Visit the website or call the 24/7 hotline at 1-800-228-1625.
