2013: The Year Jan Brewer Got Back On Her Meds

-- photo via Grand Canyon NPS
Until this year, Arizona Governatrix Jan Brewer had not been one of them. — photo via Grand Canyon NPS


There are some Republicans who are dicks, sure, but who are not insane people. (This is why you will be saying hello to President Chris Christie three years and change from now. Yes yes, we know, now go and have yourselves your morning gin.) Until this year, Arizona Governatrix Jan Brewer had not been one of them. She shined on like a derpy diamond, sticking her finger in the president’s face and murdering Planned Parenthood and signing pardons for innocent guns. And then a weird thing happened. Like, REALLY weird. The kind of weird that makes you question your whole fuckin’ ethos, dude. That’s right. In 2013, Jan Brewer stopped being crazy.

  • She fired some idiot lady in Arizona’s department of Veteran Affairs just for saying women shouldn’t be soldiers because of the infections they get in their foxholes — and she fired the guy who’d been dumb and or horny enough to hire her!
  • She was all like, as a matter of fact Mr. President Obama of whom I am very respectful, not only will I take the expanded Medicaid you have offered to help cover our 50,000 uninsured Arizonans, but I will veto every other bill until the Republicans in the Lege agree. AND THEN SHE DID IT.
  • She decided not to starve all the “takers” during the government shutdown.
  • Asked about Megyn Kelly’s idiot nonsense about White Santa, Brewer shook her head and rolled her eyes and could not even BELIEVE the dumbness of the question, before answering that Santa is every color, WHICH IS CORRECT, because SANTA IS MAGIC. IDIOTS.

What is even next? The Lord your G_d appearing to Michele Bachmann’s burning bush and convincing her that Gay is OK? Sarah Palin taxing the ever-loving shit out of the oil companies for Alaskan socialism? Hmmm, let’s try that again. Sarah Palin quitting grifting and getting a motherfucking J-O-B? We just hope this outbreak of sanity isn’t catching, or your Wonket will die a cold and starving death under a bridge with only this bottle of Thunderbird for comfort.

By Rebecca Schoenkopf

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