Now for a sexxxy update on famed North Korean sex god Kim Jong-un and his sexy romps with the sexiest hotties his country has to offer. Last summer reports surfaced that Kim had had his former mistress, pop singer Hyon Song-wol, executed along with 12 members of her band. (Twelve? Were they the North Korean version of the Polyphonic Spree?) Details were sketchy, but the band was reportedly machine-gunned to death for some combination of distributing pornographic videos of themselves, possessing Bibles, or just because Kim’s wife was jealous of his ex-girlfriend. That’s quite the trifecta – usually you have to go to Arkansas or South Carolina for a murder story with all three of those elements.
But now comes word that it may have all been a hoax.
Last weekend, however, Kim Jong Un’s now-executed porn star former lover rose from the dead to give a speech – in uniform, sans leotard — at a national artists’ meeting. Though, as in all matters North Korea, who can tell for sure? It’s unclear from the video whether this is new footage, or whether it is also a hoax.
Dammit, Washington Post! Now we don’t know what to believe. Did Kim Jong-un’s wife, the fetching Ri Sol-ju, really Lady Macbeth her hubby into executing his ex or not? Next you’ll tell us the handsomely boyish dictator didn’t really feed his uncle to wild dogs or execute his security minister with a flamethrower.
Questions do remain, however. For starters, why is Hyon Song-wol wearing an army uniform in the new video? Did she enlist, or is this some sort of mid-career Madonna sort of thing? And if she wasn’t executed, where has she been for the last nine months? Touring? Working on a new album? Holed up in Laurel Canyon with a guitar and a few ounces of weed and remembering what made her love music in the first place?
Tune in tomorrow for more of The Glorious Young Who Hold the Future of the Great Democratic People’s Republic of Korea in Their Strong Godlike Fists and the Restless.
By Gary Legumwi
[WaPo]
Dearest Wonkette,
Please pass the following regards on to the Dear Leader. I don’t care how you do it, please just do it. Don’t make me beg. OK, I’ll beg: Pu-leeeeeeeeze! Please, Please, Pleeeeeese!
(I recently returned from Paradise (DRNK), where they don’t get much news, and I just learned about the execution of poor Hyon Song-wol. I found out through the grapevine (hacking NSA databases, nothing to it) that the execution really is for real, really. According to the NSA, (you ARE correct) it wasn’t unicorns that killed Song at all, cross my heart and hope to die, though in the magical kingdom of North Korea anything is possible. It was, what kilt her, ulp, being forced to attempt to identify the difference between a picture of Jong’s tallywacker and a bacterium through an electron microscope. The pitiable woman died of severe eyestrain within minutes. Marx & Hegel rest her soul.) Escuse Moi, I digress.
Dear Kim Jong-un,
Please accept my most heartfelt condolences for your ex-girlfriend making you kill her. I am absolutely mortified that she made you do such a terrible thing. Selfish bitch, no thought for how it must have made you feel. You are, without a doubt, the greatest, bestest, most superiorest……er, ummmm, ah……… Let me start again.
Dear Leader you are the earthly manifestation of………….Kim Jong-un………..
Hahahahahahahaha……….hahahahahahaha…………..hahahahahaaaaahahaha……..sheeee-it! Hey Jong, what name sounds like a bull musk ox shitting on a sleeping buzzard? Kim Jong-un! Hahahahahaha…..snort….hahahahahhahahaha…… Hey Jong, your shoe’s untied! Hahahahahahahaha……….. Jong, I’m going to send you a bottle of Poo-Pouri. Nevermind, your poo doesn’t stink. Hahahahahahahahahaha…. Hey Jong, get a whiff of that one. Hahahahahaha. Hey Jong, yes or no: ever screw as many sheep as you wanted? Hahahahahahaha. Hey Jong, how many times a day do you get out the tweezers and spank your monkey now that your virgin ex-mistress has been defiled and kilt by the Great Satan Capitalist Out To Get Poor Me, Them Who Really Done It, CIA? Hahahahahahaha……oh shit….hahahahahahahahahaha. Wanker Boy Extrordinaire: Kim Jong-un. hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Where’d you get that haircut? Stick your head in a high speed blender full of pig assholes? Hahahahahahahahaha. Pull your teeth and grow a beard and I’ll marry you. Hahahahahahahaha. Your lips look like a toilet plunger. Hahahahahahaha……… How was the full horse diaper you had for dinner last night? Hahahahahahahahahahaha……. Yo wife a ‘ho. Hahahahahahahaha…
Sorry, I really must apologize. In all seriousnes…………hahahahahahahahaha. Sorry. No I’m not! Hahahahahahahahaha….. Excuse me, I have to take a big Kim Jong-un. I hope it doesn’t plug the toilet. Oops, it did! Hahahahahahahaha………
Pooey From Me To You,
Randy
(I feel much better now. Thanks a million, Wonkette. Gee willikers, you are the best!)