Pennsylvania Republican Governor Tom Corbett is not a happy man. He is bound and determined to stop a county-level municipal employee from spreading human rights and dignity, because that is not appropriate on Corbett’s watch.
Since July 24, a Montgomery County official, D. Bruce Hanes, has been issuing marriage licenses to any old Adam and Steve who apply — and has issued 154 marriage licenses to sodomites and lesbomites since then. Gov. Corbett knows that ya gotta keep a close eye on that shit, or pretty soon traditional marriage will be destroyed, which would force cows and goats to marry pineapples, obviously.
Gov. Corbett’s administration is not taking this promotion of basic decency sitting down — they are fighting it in court, per Philly.com:
In a brief Wednesday, state attorneys said those marriage licenses were never valid, and compared gay and lesbian couples to “12-year-olds” who are also barred from marrying under state law.
Come on, 12-year-olds… everyone knows you need to go to Alabama. But while you work on getting those parental consent forms, let’s wonksplore this Pennsylvania issue some more.
First off, comparing the actions of consenting adults (even if they are perverted and defying the law of god and seeking to legalize sweet sweet man-on-pineapple love) to the actions of pre-teens obsessed with the latest tweet from Justin Bieber is just about as stupid an argument as we can think of. On the one hand, you have adults in committed relationships seeking recognition of their relationship by the state for legal, economic, and healthcare-related reasons. On the other hand, you have a dipshit legal team that compares consenting adults to children.
Secondly, no one is promoting child marriage, as these legal asshats keep alluding to:
“Had the clerk issued marriage licenses to 12-year-olds in violation of state law, would anyone seriously contend that each 12-year-old . . . is entitled to a hearing on the validity of his ‘license’?” the state wrote.
No one thinks that 12-year-olds anywhere should be getting married. In fact, there are several organizations actively fighting against child marriage, mainly in the developing world, because it’s gross and awful and causes 13-year-old girls to die in childbirth, which gives everyone a sad. If someone was giving out marriage licenses to 12-year-olds, one would hope they would be arrested and sent to jail because KIDS ARE NOT CONSENTING ADULTS. Those laws protect kids, while laws preventing gay marriage only protect narrow-minded religious bigots from a phantom danger that only exists in their addled minds.
Sure, Pennsylvania has a law on the books that defines marriage as between a man and a woman. Who the fuck cares. South Carolina has a law on the books that says people can only get legally married by a minister of the Gospel, a Jewish Rabbi, a state official, or a spiritual leader of a Native American Tribe. Does that mean that all Muslim marriages in South Carolina are invalid? Of course not, because states have ridiculous and stupid laws on the books, because oftentimes state legislators are ridiculous and stupid.
So now Hanes is being dragged to court to defend his decision to defy stupid state laws that discriminate. He sounds like a brave soul in the South issuing marriage licenses to interracial couples before 1967. And before Loving v. Virginia, those states could easily find a majority who agreed that those marriages are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.
So congrats to Gov. Corbett for standing up to love and progress. We can only hope that history remembers you as fondly as those who fought against interracial marriage.
And we invite Hanes to come to our Boston party so we can buy him a beer.