Wire: Only 1085 days left until the next presidential election, let’s all go die

Coming soon: 2016
2016 is practically here, right? — photo by Sean Hayford O’Leary


OhEmmGee, you guys! Remember how a year ago we were all Hopey and Changey Part II and still drunkenly reveling in the streets because Blablack Blackbama was returning triumphantly to the White House and we were finally done with Richie Rich and his TigerBeat sidekick? Well strap on your campaign buttons because while there are only 36 shopping days until the pagan celebration of mid-winter, there are ONLY 1,085 DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!

Don’t care about it yet? No one else does either. But since there are only so many shit-sandwiches we can write about, let’s sexplore what completely irrelevant things politicians are doing three years out in order to get their names in the newspapers!

We gotta start with the Big Dawg, Slick Willy. Excited about the notion that China was relaxing its one-child policy, the former president jetted off to Beijing to do whatever it is that he does, wink wink. In the hotel ballroom, Clinton addressed a crowd, according to the London Telegraph:

“I hope we have a woman president in my lifetime, and I think it would be a good thing for the world as well as for America,” Clinton said at a conference organised by the respected Chinese financial magazine Caijing.

Who, oh who, could be possibly be talking about?!? Is he a Liz Warren fan? Perhaps he is encouraging Condi Rice to pursue a run for the White House. We can’t think of any other vastly over-qualified vagina-Americans who could possibly make a legitimate run. Can you?

Apparently not getting the memo that all shall bow down to Hillary, Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley got lost on I-95 and amazingly wound up as the keynote speaker for the New Hampshire Democrat’s annual Jefferson-Jackson Dinner! Since he was there, he decided to give a presidential-sounding speech, because penis-Americans can be President too. In the rousing end to his speech, Buzzfeed notes:

O’Malley’s voice boomed over the loudspeakers. “Enough finger-pointing! Enough obstruction! Enough wasted time!” he yelled into the microphone. “Let us achieve like Americans again. Let us lead like Americans again. Let us believe like Americans again.”

What kind of crazy person thinks that they can run for President with little name recognition and a rousing speech against a behemoth like Hillary and have any sort of shot… oh, wait. Well, this could be interesting.

Moving over to the dark side, the GOP is jockeying to see who will line up to lose against Hillary (No offense, O’Malley) in 2016. Teeny-bopper and one-time loser Rep. Paul Ryan stepped up to the plate in Iowa, returning there for the first time since 2012 to speak at Gov. Terry Branstad’s birthday fundraiser.

He tried at one point to sound upbeat, according to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel:

He sounded optimistic as he called on Republicans to “show the country we are not just the opposition,” and urged the party to “speak truth to power” and “show people what we believe in.”

With the GOP-led House refusing to take up ENDA, immigration reform, or any other piece of major legislation for the rest of the year, plus trying to slash food stamps by some $40 billion, you guys are doing a bang-up job of not-opposing things. As for what you believe in, it seems like anti-gay, anti-immigrant, anti-poor, and anti-women. That about sum it up? Hey, maybe there could be a 50th vote on repealing Obamacare, because that’s worked out well so far.

And finally, Gov. Scott Walker (R-WI) thinks that Washington, DC, is just too broken to produce the next GOP Prezzy nominee. And you will never, EVER, guess who he thinks should be the nominee. According to ABC News:

“I think it’s got to be an outsider. I think both the presidential and the vice presidential nominee should either be a former or current governor, people who have done successful things in their states, who have taken on big reforms, who are ready to move America forward,” Walker responded when asked by Karl to describe the “ideal Republican presidential candidate in 2016.”

SHOCKER!!! Crappy governor who has tanked job-creation in Wisconsin thinks that a GOVERNOR should be the next nominee. Folks like Senator Cruz can only shut down the government for a measly 16 days, but someone like Walker would spend FOUR YEARS tanking the economy and trampling the rights of unions and schoolteachers, which is just what this country needs. Or maybe he is just begging Chris Christie to make him the veep, who knows.

So there you have it. Only a thousand more days of this, before the next one.


[London Telegraph / Buzzfeed / Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel / ABC News]

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