Hey, remember that fat white guy who lost weight and now wants to put the ‘white’ back in White House? No, not the one what closes bridges because of petty political bickering — the other GOP white guy, the one who rocks out on gee-tar. Yeah, Mike Huckabee. He is back in the news because the news hates us and wants us to be unhappy today and forever. Continuing today’s trend of plagiarizing, the Huffington Post reports that Huckabee will soon be launching… wait for it… The Huckabee Post! Where, oh where, did he come with such a creative and original name? Let’s sadsplore what kind of awfulness we can expect from the Huckster.
Just to jog your memory, Mike Huckabee used to be governor of Arkansas, when he was a self-described Fattie McFatterson. No one else know anything else about him, except that he lost a bunch of weight. Oh yeah, and he was a former Baptist minister, so he and God are super-duper tight. After being a giant failure in the 2008 GOP primary, he got himself a sweet deal from Fox News to host a weekly tee-vee show where he could be folksy and religiousy and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He did the normal stuff — kids died in Newtown because of slutty slut-women and their slutpills; we should murder the United Nations in their sleep — you know, the kind of stuff we expect from a washed-up politician throwing red meat to the wingnut wing of the party.
But Huckabee recently left his gig at Fox News, fueling speculation that he wanted to lose to Hillary in 2016. However, it turns out that Mike just wants to add his blather to the bloated political and entertainment interplex:
We always troll Craigslist for Wonket writers, mainly because writers here are also likely to be looking for hot anonymous sexytimes under the North Capitol Street bridge. And gently used recliners at reasonable prices.
What will this undoubtedly awesome site be discussing?
The listing describes the publication as “a new and exciting online news publication covering news on politics, US, international, media, sports and other general news.”
We can just see the headlines now:
- Rick Santorum’s
HolidayChristmas Masterpiece Snubbed By Hollywood Liberal Oscar Activists
- 38 Ways the War on Christmas Shows Creeping Sharia Law Attempting to Murder White Santa
- War on Women Easier to Fight on Full Stomach: 24 Recipes Guaranteed To Satisfy Your Man
We have no idea how this will be different from The Daily Caller, Breitbart’s Home for the Braindead Monkey Brigade, or any of the other zillions of conservative websites polluting our digital inter-tubes. Perhaps it will be more Jesus-y? Sure, let’s go with that. Because if there is anything missing in modern American culture, it is conservative voices cramming Jesus down our throat.
If you really want to torture your eyeballs more, you can follow DDM on Twitter: @wonksplainer