Wire: Fox’s Eric Bolling has innovative idea: Save money by encouraging prison suicides


We weren’t planning to do anything on Ariel Castro’s suicide, because really, “horrible person kills self” is just not brimming with comedic possibilities. And then along comes Eric Bolling on Fox’s The Five with this brilliant observation: hey, by committing suicide, Castro saved the Ohio prison system a whole bunch of money, so let’s look at how much money we could save if everyone in Gitmo killed themselves! He’s got a whiteboard and consulted actuarial tables and everything, so you know it’s a serious idea.

Bob Beckel, the sort-of liberal one on The Five, points out that we sort of have this system of justice that gets short-circuited when a life sentence turns into a suicide, and asks if we should send nooses to prisoners, to which Bolling replies, “We could send them a manual and some bedsheets.” What a card.

Oh, golly, prison suicide is just so hilarious we can hardly stop laughing! And how about those guys in Gitmo! We don’t have anything to charge some of ‘em with, but if they killed themselves, we wouldn’t have to even bother! Because really, when it comes to crime, prisons, and the alleged “rights of the accused,” wouldn’t most conservatives just prefer we ignore all those dumb loopholes in the Constitution and get to the executions?

Note to commenters: Remember, we don’t want to go there. We’re better than that, right? RIGHT? Actually, even if we want to go there, we will resist that impulse.

By Doktor Zoom

[MediaMatters via chascates the human tip machine]