How’s this for a match made in heaven? No, not a ghey-marriage match, silly, those are lies from the pit of hell. We mean the combination of insane third-rate intertubes preacher Gordon “Chaps” Klingenschmitt, who sees demons everywhere — especially in gay animals — and his new BFF, Colorado state Sen. Kent Lambert, who went on the former Navy chaplain’s webby-teevee show to explain that civil unions are “a mind-control experiment” by Democrats to force everyone to accept gay marriage. We aren’t sure how Lambert managed to resist this witchcraft, since he does not appear to have remembered to wear his tinfoil hat.
Ha-ha, we are joking of course. Lambert was able to escape the ghey mind-control rays by girding himself in the Armor of the Lord.
Lambert explained to Klingenschmitt all about how the Colorado civil-unions law takes hold of people’s thoughts, exactly like the brain-eating eels of Ceti Alpha IV:
“There are no waivers or provisions for any contrary thought, whether it’s religion or people’s expression of their own morality,” Lambert explained. “It completely suppresses basically any ideas.”
“It’s a mind-control experiment by the majority party, the Democrats here in Colorado, to force everybody — including children in schools, everything else — under penalty of law to believe in homosexual marriage,” he added.
Klingenschmitt, as if possessed by a scenery-chewing Canadian demon with a bad hairpiece, asked, “But, Spock…Spaaahhhhk… How…can this…be? How…can…they control…our thoughts?”
“We have long tradition in the United States, as you know, in the U.S military of conscientious objection of things like going to war and things like that,” Lambert insisted. “This completely, in my opinion, tramples those rights. And it’s specifically targeted against religious rights.”
Well that’s definitely a description of mind control if we’ve ever heard one, except for the part where we can’t quite figure how he thinks people choosing to get married is like the military draft. Maybe he goes to a very unusual church.
Lambert also shared his erudition on another piece of speculative fiction, telling Klingenschmitt that allowing transgender children the right to use the bathroom or locker room of their choice means that “privacy will no longer be in effect in the United States”:
“This is certainly Brave New World, the Aldous Huxley novel that Big Brother is here, he’s alive and well and we’re going to force you into the kind of agendas that some of the greatest dictators in world history have tried to press in the past,” he declared.
Lambert then warned that the Thought Police will make us all take Soma before we’re dragged off to Thunderdome and fed to the Morlocks.