N.S.F.W: Tips to trick out your treats this Halloween

Stop traffic in a sexy sweet-corn disguise -- collage by Rachel Jessen
Stop traffic in a sexy sweet corn disguise — collage by Rachel Jessen

One of the pleasures of Halloween is seeing the hilariously improbable costumes that some companies manage to create. Some of them are just stressful—a child’s geisha costume?—but others are just gloriously strange. Iowa City is gonna be full of sexy [insert random profession, object or cartoon character here], and if you can’t beat ‘em—well, you know the drill. Here’s your guide to (occasionally copyright-infringing) erotic ensembles that are sure to titillate, confuse and make your All Hallows Eve bash a little more interesting.

Sexy Couple’s Costumes

Sexy Lion Tamer: The heels will make it hard to run from a rogue feline, but you’ll be disemboweled in style with this roaringly sensual outfit. All you need is a short red jacket, black leggings, fake equestrian boots and a riding crop from your kinky neighbor.

Sexy Lioness:  Slaughter your cruel tamer and make an ill-fated break for freedom while flaunting those haunches. Stitched-together mop heads make a perfect mane.

Sexy Lumberjack: Your scruples aren’t the only thing that’s barely there. The environment is the enemy and there’s no hotter way to show it. Roll that flannel up your toned arms, and no one will notice that you’re wielding an axe. This is a Thneed that you definitely need.

Sexy Lorax: Ruffle folks’ Truffula trees while fighting environmental degradation, even if your selfless mission is entirely in vain. An orange pillowcase with a hole for your head and a fake yellow mustache is a must-have. If you can find a plastic bucket to paint like a tree stump, even better. Make sure to stand on it at random intervals and sob-yell self-righteously at passers-by.

Sexy Bureaucrat: Slash government backing for space exploration, the arts, the social safety net or anything else your heart desires while you’re in this slinky thing. All you need is a button-down dress shirt and a pair of glasses to slide up and down your nose as needed. Red pen not included.

Sexy Astronaut: You’ll be way too fine for decompression sickness or ebullism. Get exposed to the fatal vacuum of space due to underfunded R&D and turn heads at the same time. A white crop top, white underwear and a glass fishbowl over your head will recreate that sensual asphyxian sensation.

Sexy Marie Antoinette: Let those housecleaners and horsemen eat cake. You’ll be a-head of the game with this guillotirrific getup. Wear clothes that no one else can afford and walk around eating caviar and laughing at people.

Sexy Peasant: You’ve never been hotter—or hungrier. Don’t worry, your lack of health insurance will only kill you after you take out the bourgeoisie. You can find a burlap sack at Kmart.

Sexy Winnie the Pooh: Others will get rumbly in their tumbly when you’re in this little number. Stuff a gold t-shirt and your gold underwear with whatever you can pull out of your roommate’s pillow without her noticing. Isn’t this a clever disguise?

Sexy Honey Bee : Spend the whole party avoiding your archnemesis who keeps breaking into your home, stealing your food and occasionally eating members of your family. All you need for this gold-and-black ensemble is your Hawks game-day attire—cut up all sexy-like—and honey smeared all over your face. Tut tut, it looks like rain.

For those of you going solo

Sexy Ear of Corn: Aw, shucks! Be a troubling yet integral part of the Midwestern agricultural-industrial complex and the stuff of UI frat boy’s corn-fed fantasies. Just glue corn husks to your body and wait for them to come.

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Sexy Sharknado: The perfect racy rig to drop some chomping hotness on the soon-to-be-dead denizens of Los Angeles. They’ll never see it coming. Buy a few plastic sharks, then occasionally spin in a circle and launch them at strangers.

Sexy Grumpy Cat: Let everyone know how displeased you are with everything and everyone. Print out Grumpy Cat’s face and wear it over your face. That’s it. What were you expecting?

Sexy Jonathan Franzen: The Sexy Grumpy Cat costume, but with come-hither hipster glasses and a pedestal.

Carmen Maria Machado is a fiction writer and essayist whose work has appeared or is forthcoming in AGNI, The American Reader, Tin House’s Open Bar, Five Chapters, Best Women’s Erotica 2012, VICE, The Paris Review Daily, The Hairpin, The Rumpus, Los Angeles Review of Books and many other publications. She is a graduate of the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, where she was a Dean’s Graduate Fellow, and the Clarion Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers’ Workshop.

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