By the time you read this, the first of May will likely have passed, but that’s okay because it probably would have been too cold to fuck outside anyway. But let’s assume that by the time you read this it is warm enough, and you’re feeling frisky.
The first of May is a magical day. It marks Beltane, the pagan fertility festival, and has been celebrated by poets and musicians alike as the first day of the year—barring freakishly freezing Iowa springs, of course—to romp around with your lover in the tall grasses.
While James Taylor sang subtly about this day (“It’s a rite of spring / A horizontal thing / The sweetest sort of dance / Hidden in among the plants”), Jonathan Coulton pulls no punches (“Water’s not cold baby dip in your big toe / Maybe I’ll see you in flagrante delicto / Grass below you, sky above / Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called fucking outside”). Either way, once the ground has thawed and it is definitely, definitely, for-sure-this-time not going to snow again, Iowa City is your outdoor sexin’ oyster. So whether you need to bone somewhere where the roommates can’t hear, you’re looking for something new and adventurous or you just want to have another excuse to drink during Never Have I Ever, here are some handy-dandy tips for coming hard and frequently, all with a gentle breeze tickling your backside and minimal bad things happening.
Know the laws and risks
Do not be fooled: Public sex is a risky behavior. First of all, unless you own and are fucking on your own palatial estate, you will often be trespassing, especially if it’s after hours. There are also laws about public exposure. Iowa Code §709.9 (indecent exposure) states that if you commit a sex act in front of a third party, you could be charged with a misdemeanor.
Will that be how it shakes out if a late-night dog walker or security guard discovers you mid-coitus? Not necessarily, but it’s something to think about. Also: While part of the hotness of public, outdoor sex is the “Ooooh, we might get caught” factor, don’t try to get caught. Accidents happen, but your kink is not everyone else’s kink, and you shouldn’t deliberately try to expose a stranger to your wobbling genitals. (Remember what Taylor sings: hidden among the plants. Hidden.)
Also, I am not a lawyer. Consult a lawyer if you’re really worried about all of this.
Pick a good spot
Iowa City is lousy with good places to fuck in public. You just gotta choose a place that’s a little more isolated, and pick late night, early morning hours where the chances of running into someone are slim. Oakland Cemetery is massive and has lots of good corners, if the idea of desecrating the resting places of the dead doesn’t give you pause. Pick the oldest tombstone you can find, for a more authentic experience. Fuck under the Black Angel if you’re feeling daring (that she won’t put the curse on your head, or that the more exposed location won’t get you caught). Hickory Hill Park is closed between the hours of 10:30 p.m. and 6 a.m., but if you can get away with it, there are plenty of pretty spots.
Bring a blanket
There are few things worse than grass burn on your knees, ants in your pubic hair or poison ivy in your groin—you can pay tribute to spring without having to use ice packs for days. Plus, you can use a blanket to cover yourselves up quickly if an intrepid voyeur happens upon you, or throw it on an aggressive nocturnal mammal should you need to run away.
Make like campers and clean up after yourselves, for fuck’s sake.
There’s nothing wrong with having sex outdoors, but there is something wrong with being an asshole. Don’t leave used condoms, discarded underwear or whatever tangled in the underbrush or strewn across the grass. Leave that meadow more beautiful than when you found it.
Carmen Maria Machado is a fiction writer and essayist whose work has been featured or is forthcoming in The American Reader, VICE Magazine, Five Chapters, Indiana Review, Best Women’s Erotica 2012, The Hairpin, Los Angeles Review of Books, The Paris Review Daily, and many other publications. She is a graduate of the Iowa Writers’ Workshop and the Clarion Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers’ Workshop.
