Where there were once #16 Iowa Hawkeyes jerseys in the Jordan Creek Scheels, made just generic enough to duck royalty payments for Chuck Long or James Vandenberg or C.J. Beathard, there is now only George Kittle’s #46. I’m sure Kittle’s number, an admittedly random, decidedly un-sexy and therefore very Hawkeyes number, will hang in higher places. But to me, having the default number for a college’s merchandise is as good as it gets. Or almost. Kittle did sign a $76.4 million deal this spring that made him the highest paid tight end in NFL history.
There hasn’t been much Kittle to watch on Sundays since. A stupid hamstring sidelined him in the first half of the first game this season. But hey, Little Big Screen can still watch a few of his favorite movies. Or, at least, films whose characters are tattooed all over his arms.
Joker from The Dark Knight (2008)
Directed by Christopher Nolan
You shouldn’t trust someone who doesn’t have a bad tattoo or two. And you know you can trust Kittle on account of his Joker tattoo. Heath Ledger’s portrayal is second only to Jesus Christ in name-image-and-likenesses tattooed on athletes’ moneymakers, and yet, even with that much competition, Kittle’s may be the most Joker of Joker tattoos: He got it done the night before his “modern backyard wedding” in Nashville. I had to enhance, enhance, enhance the lovely images on his wedding photographer’s website, The Bold Americana, for any evidence of ink and plasma seeping through Kittle’s white shirt. No such luck. All I could ascertain was that, yes, Kittle is a true-blue Bud Light dude.
Stream it on HBO Max. Rent it on Apple TV and Prime Video.
Venom from Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021)
Directed by Andy Serkis
In our monoculture-less world, small talk can come difficult for all-around regular guys. Thankfully, there is the NFL, and there is also The Dark Knight. Should I find polite conversation sputtering, I have a “Wanna see a magic trick?” of a take to lob out: Tom Hardy’s Bane is better than Heath Ledger’s Joker. I mean it for the most part. Hardy and his silly but still sick-with-it voice nail the tone of what a Batman movie should be.
Hardy’s the only reason I’ve bothered with Sony’s bootleg Venom franchise. The CGI buddy-comedies are one big excuse for Hardy to talk to himself in 1) a Busta Rhymes-inspired growl, and 2) a just-as-alien Brooklyn accent. Kittle got a tattoo of the goopy Spider-Man villain after doing a little ad campaign for Venom: Let There Be Carnage. I don’t know, maybe Kittle and Hardy, who both approach their jobs with charming amounts of muscle and goof, really would make good roommates.
Stream it on Starz. Rent it on Apple TV and Prime Video.
Digital Rain from The Matrix (1999)
Directed by the Wachowskis
OK, so, Kittle claims to have a bad-guy arm and a good-guy arm for his tattooed altar egos, with Joker on his left forearm and Master Chief on his right, Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon on his left hand and Hobbes on his right, etc. I didn’t mention this in the introduction because, I’m sorry, George, but the whole concept falls apart when you tattoo digital rain from The Matrix right next to Venom on the bad-guy arm. The green computer code, evidently a quote from the “spoon scene” where a kid-monk teaches Keanu Reeves to believe he can fly, should’ve gone on the good-guy arm. If there were one.
Stream it on TBS. Rent it on Apple TV and Prime Video.
Godzilla from Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)
Directed by Adam Wingard
Godzilla vs. Kong does exactly what it says on the poster. There is Godzilla. There is Kong. They fight. Director Adam Wingard spoke to the comfiness of such obviousness when he compared his kaiju cage match to The Undertaker and Mankind on the movie’s press tour. It can’t be a coincidence that Kittle — dubbed “The People’s Tight End” by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson — got his Godzilla tattoo the same year this dumb but beautiful computer-generated homage to the proto-pro wrestling days of dudes in rubber suits had a day-and-date pandemic release.
Stream it on TBS. Rent it on Apple TV and Prime Video.
