It’s game week in Hawktown — this Saturday, your hometown Hawkeyes host the Redhawks of Miami in the inaugural game of the 2016 season. The sports desk at Little Village has used our most sophisticated methodology to provide a game-by-game regular season prediction for the Hawks — our method? Determine the outcome by deciding who would win in a fight, their mascot or ours…
Saturday Sept. 3- HOME vs. Miami (OH) Redhawks
Who would win in a fight, a redhawk or a hawkeye? I think you know the answer. Hawks win, by a lot.
Saturday Sept. 10- HOME vs. Iowa State Cyclones (Cy-Hawk Trophy Game)
A hawk could soar away from the funnel cloud and wait for the storm to dissipate. Hawks win.
Saturday Sept. 17- HOME vs. North Dakota State Bisons
William “Buffalo Bill” Cody was born in Le Claire, Iowa, and he lived off buffalo meat. Hawks humble the herd and score the victory.
Saturday Sept. 24-AWAY vs. Rutgers Scarlet Knights
A knight versus a hawk? I guess the hawk wouldn’t be able to pull-off his signature move: Blinding the knight by clawing out his eyes (knights wear those visors on their helmets you know). But, then again, the hawk could claw the knight’s horse’s eyes out… Hawks win.
Saturday Oct. 1-HOME vs. Northwestern Wildcats (Homecoming)
A wildcat would kill a bird, sure, but not if that bird was a hawk, because a hawk would snatch the cat and drop it off a cliff, breaking its back. Hawks win.
Saturday Oct. 8-AWAY vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers (Floyd of Rosedale Trophy Game)
I’m pretty sure hawks eat gophers, for breakfast. Hawks win.
Saturday Oct. 15-AWAY vs. Purdue Boilermakers
What is a boilermaker anyway? A person who makes boils? A hawk could beat that. Hawks win.
Saturday Oct. 22-HOME vs. Wisconsin Badgers (Heartland Trophy Game)
Badgers are one of the fiercest animals alive, but not as fierce as a hawk! Hawks win.
Saturday Nov. 5- AWAY vs. Penn State Nittany Lions
If a “Nittany” lion is anything like a regular lion, then the outcome is clear. Hawks win.
Saturday Nov. 12 – HOME vs. Michigan Wolverine
Oof! Wolverines? A formidable foe, but no still no match. Hawks win.
Saturday Nov. 19 – AWAY vs. Illinois Fighting Illini
Illinois still retains a culturally insensitive mascot. Hawks win.
Friday Nov. 25 – HOME vs. Nebraska Cornhuskers (The Heroes Trophy Game)
It’s easy to imagine a crazed Nebraska cornhusker throttling a hawk to death, but that won’t happen because this hawk is an Iowa Hawkeye, and an Iowa Hawkeye will tear any husker to death with blood-soaked talons! That’s right, Hawks win.
Regular Season Prediction: Hawks post back-to-back undefeated seasons.
I think you need some revising… It was a good laugh though