Readers, I try to keep my finger on the pulse of Iowa City. Nothing gives me more pleasure than offering my unique take on the events everyone is buzzing about. In that light, I was all set to provide a retrospective of the ever-popular Mission Creek Festival earlier this month, and then I checked the balance on my checking account and I was like, “Womp womp.” Mitski is just going to have to wait a little longer to see the photorealistic tattoo of her face on my lower back. I know, tragic.
While I look for a job — and more importantly, get my Etsy shop back into the black — I can contribute to the economy by boosting tourism. Below, I’m writing some slogans I think accurately represent the joys of life in Iowa City. (I’m not in cahoots with the chamber of commerce or anything like that, although if you know someone who works there, feel free to send them a copy of this article.) Let me know what you think!
“Iowa City: Come for a first-rate education, stay because there are a lot of talented people in your program and they’re all planning on moving to New York this summer and honestly, you’re just not sure if New York is even part of your journey anymore, and you’re really happy here but—”
“Iowa City: You know your great-uncle who lives in a yurt in New Mexico with an honest-to-God moonshine still and makes enormous, disturbingly sexual wooden sculptures for a living? He loves it here.”
“Iowa City: Perfect for a romantic weekend getaway. Stay in one of our gorgeous hotels; have a locally sourced gourmet meal at one of our restaurants. Just make sure you’re in by 8, or run the risk of getting puked on by a kid wearing boat shoes.”
“Iowa City: Tex-Mex or bubble tea?”
Wow! Advertising is easy! If there are any PR firms or, more realistically, coffee shops who want to hire me, I’ll be over here. #Girlboss.
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 262.
