Welcome to the first Little Village of 2020! By the time you read this, I will be lying on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean, sunlight bouncing off my chalk-white thighs, blinding seagulls as they fly overhead. Yeah, yeah, I’m a traitor to my community. Before I commence guzzling Mai Tais and definitely getting through all those books in my suitcase that I’ve been meaning to read, I want to talk a bit about New Year’s resolutions.
Normally, I don’t set them. For one thing, I’m already perfect. For another, there is no worse time to make a major life change than in the darkest, coldest part of the year, right after you spent a week with your extended family and at the same time as every other schmuck in America, so you can’t even get attention for it. That said, it’s recently come to my attention that your personal choices can impact the amount of time that you live and your quality of life. I thought that stabbing pain in my side was just my last roommate, finally getting his voodoo doll to work. With this confusing new information in mind, I decided to set a couple of resolutions.
When it comes to dietary changes, most resolutions involve giving something up — alcohol, refined sugar, crab legs from the buffet at your favorite strip club — but for me, it’s about adding healthy things. For example, this year I’ve decided to start eating five servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I’m also going to start drinking coffee. That may seem counterintuitive, but at this point, anything’s better than chugging six to eight warm Diet Cokes every day.
What about you? What are your New Year’s resolutions? What are you really excited about now that will make you feel like crying by February? I love how I talk like you can answer my questions. Anyway, whatever your resolution is, you’ll be way more likely to see it through if you go easy on yourself and take it one step at a time. For example, if you’ve resolved to read more, you’ve already got something to feel good about. You’re reading a magazine! Who cares if it’s mostly pictures? What are you, the reading police?
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 276.