In April, when this whole pandemic situation was still relatively fresh, you could talk yourself off the ledge just by thinking, “This is OK. It’s all OK. We’re going to stay inside and wear our masks and before we know it, this whole thing will be over. By Christmas, it’ll all be a distant memory.” In July, that started to feel less likely, but surely, you thought, things should be more or less back to normal by Halloween. Well, it looks like that’s not going to happen, and if you, like me, are a basic bitch, that’s probably very distressing for you. Well, fear not! For I have devised some ways to have seasonally appropriate fun in a pandemic-appropriate way.
I used to be a big horror movie buff, but for some reason, they just don’t do it for me anymore. Zombie flicks hit a little too close to home, and I’d rather be haunted by a ghost than the unshakeable fear that the palpable dark cloud of hopelessness and ennui hanging over my head will follow me for the rest of my life. So instead, I’m just never not watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s definitely Halloween-y, and I’ve seen it so many times that I always know what’s going to happen next, unlike every other thing that happens in my life.
Participating in cuffing season may be entirely out of the question, but that doesn’t mean you can’t quench your burning thirst for the touch of another human being. If you live alone, or your roommate isn’t much of a snuggler, try putting on all your sweaters (OMG sweater weather!) to mimic the sensation of being pressed up against someone with a functioning metabolism all night, then fall asleep on your own arm. It’s just like spooning!
If you have kids, you already know that it’s hard to let them have their fun while staying safe and healthy. Trick-or-treating, an intrinsically social activity, will be especially difficult and probably sort of lame, but it’s your duty to try to make it work. Dress your daughter as Marie Antoinette (with a six-foot hoop skirt) and your son as a ninja (with his entire face covered). Or the other way around, if you’re trying to subvert gender norms. If you’re wary about opening the door to trick-or-treaters, pelt them with Almond Joys from the upstairs windows. When teenagers show up to egg your house, join in. Why not? You’ve got nothing else to do tonight anyway.