Last week, I read an article (in a publication which shall here remain nameless but is not known for its socially responsible attitudes) that posed the question: Where should we go for spring break? Since the author chose not to supply for their audience the correct answer to that question, I will. Nowhere! For the love of God, please stay home. Even if you’ve had the vaccine, travel could pose serious risks to those around you, like the grandma you’re only going to visit because her house is 45 minutes from Miami Beach.
I realize that for our collegiate readers, the freshmen and sophomores in particular, this will come as a bit of a disappointment. They’ve been deprived of the opportunity to have formative adolescent experiences, like waking up on a fire escape in South Padre Island with a cute townie’s initials tattooed on their left buttcheek. I can’t imagine the toll that must take. So, without further ado, I present my official guide to a socially responsible spring break.
Create the right ambience. First, crank up the heat in your apartment until it’s impossible to wear anything more substantial than booty shorts and a halter top. Then, choose the appropriate music — try Googling “Chainsmokers dubstep remix” — and blast it at top volume from the moment you wake up around 3 p.m. Finally, as soon as you’re done eating, drinking or smoking anything, throw the remnants on the ground. After a few days, you’ll really start to feel like you’re in a resort town.
Make some new drinks. Pinterest is rife with recipes for fun tropical cocktails, like Hurricanes, Painkillers, Panty-Droppers, Face-Destroyers and Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters. Most of them started life as ungodly conglomerations of the backwash-y dregs left over at the end of a limbo competition, but they sure are tasty.
Start some drama. One of the mainstays of the spring break experience is having a knock-down-drag-out fight with your friends. It’s inevitable, really, when you’re all sharing a sleeping bag on the floor of Katie’s boyfriend’s frat brother’s room in the cheapest Comfort Inn in New Orleans. It’s an experience not unlike having roommates during COVID, so it should be easy for you to pick a fight with whomever you’re living. If you’d like to expand beyond your bubble, you’ll have to get creative. Maybe open your friend’s Snap and then leave her on read for three hours? That should do it.
Whatever you do this spring break, remember to have fun, stay COVID-safe and avoid getting tattoos from dudes who work out of vans.
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 292.