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Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante

Wayne Diamante, bestselling author of Getting Your Hands Dirty: The Only Way to Skin a Cat and Firearms Etiquette in the Casual Setting offers his astute observations and opens his heart and mind to reader enquiries in Pro-Tips with Wayne Diamante.

Read with informed consent as Wayne responds to his readers’ questions with correct answers and step-by-step instructions on how to:

  • Think fast while acting natural
  • Form and keep internet friendships
  • Use eye-contact to your advantage
  • Discipline pets and children
  • Miniature pizzas

Become involved with Wayne’s power as a transformative influence by soliciting his advice on financial matters, immigration and contract law, cooking with foams, the clergy and solar power. Take advantage of Mr. Diamante’s automotive expertise, or try to stump him with a real ethical puzzler. If you have questions, need advice or have your own Pro Tip please submit it to askwaynediamante (at) gmail (dot) com.

Dear Wayne,
I’m having trouble with my 2001 Pontiac Grand Prix. The paint on my bumper is peeling, the side view mirrors are falling off and the alternator keeps catching fire. Is there anything I can do? Also, I’d like to get this fixed cheap.
Sincerely,
X

Dear Tara,
Here’s the problem: There are only three kinds of people who drive Grand AMs, or Firebirds, or whatever piece of shit you were talking about. 1) douchebags, 2) skanky teenage girls, 3) people who were tricked. Number two seemed the least offensive, so that’s why I greeted you as Tara in my salutation. In any case, I’ve prepared a catchall solution regardless which of these categories you fall into. You need to find the nearest building and drive that shit straight into it at high speed. Then you need to start turning your life around.
—Wayne

Mr. Diamante,
I am a recent college graduate and am attending my first formal soiree for my firm. I’d like to make a good impression. Depending on the breasting of my suit, how should it be fastened?
Sincerely,
Chase

Chase,
I’m not sure what your angle is, but the fake boobs are a nice touch. Zipper.
—Wayne
Dear Wayne,
I’m new to the area and here because I need a fresh start. I’d like to make friends, maybe even look for romance, but I don’t really have any relatable hobbies, or interests. Can you give me some tips on being more likeable and/or attractive?
Thanks in advance!
X

Dear X,
Making friends and being likeable and/or attractive is easy, here’s how:

1) Don’t be a fucker
2) Tell the truth
3) Use your head for thinking
Get that shit covered and everything else will take care of itself. Good luck.
—Wayne

Dear Wayne,
About a week ago I began developing a rash in a sensitive area. Can you recommend a poultice, or salve? I’d like to keep my remedy homeopathic and of course, gluten-free.
Thanks in advance! Sincerely,

X

Hi X,
The first thing you’ll need is an old refrigerator box. Seal up all the seams nice and tight with some packing tape, but leave the top open. Next, dump in two five-pound bags of rice flour, three tablespoons each of flax-meal, chia seeds, witch-hazel and saffron. Throw in a twig of lavender and two splashes of rose water. Now grab a can of Krylon gold spray-enamel, hop in the box and have a friend seal up the top. Go ahead and start painting the inside of the box. As the vapors take hold, have a peek at your rash and reflect on why you’re sitting in a box full of shit some guy in the paper told you to use rather than going to the doctor a week ago.
—Wayne

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