Questions about love and sex in the Iowa City/Cedar Rapids area can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
Some good friends of mine just got married after six years together. A few weeks after the wedding, I saw that “Jake” had a new Tinder profile. I know “Lisa” is not OK with this, as she has always been very jealous. I feel like I should tell her about it, or at least confront Jake about it. A few of us caught him on Tinder last year and confronted him; he lied and removed his profile. It just seems wrong to sit back and let him cheat on his wife, since I am friends with both of them. I’m also afraid if I tell her about it, she’ll flip out and shoot the messenger. What should I do?
Tender about Tinder
It sounds like “Lisa” here has her hands full of scared man-baby. “Jake” just made a major commitment; he’s scared out of his mind and dipping his toes into the waters of infidelity to see what he’s made of. He may never cheat on her, but he’s exploring that option via the internet. He’s also doing it in a highly visible way that will get him caught real quick.
Unless you have indestructible evidence that he’s actually cheating, or it’s impacting you or making you culpable (i.e. he’s cheating with your roommate, or hitting on you), I think you need to sit this one out. This guy will find a way to do what he’s doing whether or not you catch him yourself or rat him out to his wife. His actions belong to him, and you don’t need to involve yourself.
If his behavior offends you and you must get involved, consider confronting him about it one-on-one and asking him what’s going on. And, heads up, this newly legal couple is going to have problems with infidelity, trust and jealousy, and will probably continue to have these problems until they bottom out and someone gets caught or gets tired of being vigilant. You don’t need to go with them.
As far as you’re concerned, Tender, being the cops for other people’s monogamy decisions is no fun. You have better things to do. They have their problems to work out in this marriage. You don’t have to do it for them, and there is less at stake here than you might think.
— xoxo, Kiki