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Pro-Tips: Don’t Kill Your Family (Unless You Have to)

Wayne Diamante, celebrated magician, cat lover and director of Mimes Out Loud: A Celebration of Gay Mime Culture fields tough questions this week with words that have meaning. Maybe you have a question you’d like answered by a medical professional? Does your guilty conscience keep you up at night? What are you wearing? These questions and more are the verdant landscape of Wayne Diamante’s weekday afternoons monitoring the bus station for suspicious activity. If you have a question, or suspicious activity you’d like to report, please send it to askwaynediamante@gmail.com.

Dear Wayne,

My roommate consistently uses too much toilet paper. What should I do? 

Sincerely,

Wiped-Out in West Branch

 

Dear WOiWB,

The earth shattering irony here is, of course, your roommate is the one wiping—but you are the asshole. Find a new hobby that doesn’t include counting how many sheets of toilet paper other people use, psycho.

 

—Wayne

 

Hi Wayne,

I’ve heard that Chinese and Canadian girls have horizontal vaginas. Is that true and if so, how can I get one? Does that shit from Weird Science really work?

Thanks,

Steve Shortsleeves

Dear Steve,

Puberty is a weird time, but you’ll get through it. If you’re talking about wearing a bra on your head, I say go for it. Do what feels natural. As for horizontal vaginas… I can’t say. But it does seem unlikely. In any event, good luck with your research.

—Wayne

 

Dear Wayne

How should I reply to offensive emails sent from family members espousing blatantly false right-wing paranoid political garbage?

—M

 

Dear M,

As a former paramilitary commander in a leftist junta, I can tell you this with all honesty: eliminating family members is never an easy, or enjoyable task.

Unless, of course, they are total shit heads.

Everyone is related to at least one shit head.

The sad thing is, M, mental illness affects one in five Americans. For many family members, the most difficult aspect of coping with a loved-one’s right-wing paranoia is realizing they are a douche, or worse—a moron. Time and time again, clinical randomized trials have shown sufferers of chronic rightist tendencies see the rest of us as primarily godless minorities, slutty pregnant girls and homosexuals bent on taking away their freedom through taxation, big government handouts, welfare programs and the whimsy of a Mohammedan president who, for all intents and purposes, was likely born in Timbuktu or some other place without running water, Christmas, or whites.

Unfortunately, M, there is really very little you can do. Except drink a lot. Good luck.

—Wayne

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